How to build Long-term relationships.
This is my interpretation of whatever I have experienced and read over the years on building long-term relationships.
Since the average age of my Newsletter subscribers is 30+, would love to ponder on the idea of an ideal marriage first and then move on to building relationships which would last long. For the younger folks out here if you don’t resonate much, consider this as a bookmark to revisit, once you are in a long-term relationship or are married or intend to be in either.
The idea that marriage changes everything is a myth. By this, I mean that marrying someone just makes you legally bound to stay and provide for each other, but how you interact with each other remains the same. Be it your communication patterns or your conflict-resolution strategies, the general outlook of life remains the same.
To optimise for a great partnership, you both must constantly evolve. I have always believed in life that the 2 most crucial decisions in life that a person makes is-
What career path do you take, as the majority of your life will be spent doing the work you choose.
Choosing the right partner as this is the person who you will spend most of your life with second, to your work.
1. PHASES & RATE OF EVOLVING- If you do nothing to improve your relationship and at the same time aren’t doing anything wrong, it is still more likely that your relationship would get worse with time. You & your partner will not be the same person every day, to explain better, you both have different paces of evolving and both of you would not be the same person, that you met initially. Hence there will be a lot of phases in your life, where you will think that the other person has changed. But so have you and so should you, relationships break if the partners are not able to match the speed of evolving, there is no competition and this should be looked at as watering each other’s plants to stimulate growth. To maintain a balanced emotional ecology, you must make mini efforts daily.
THE SOLAR SYSTEM ANALOGY- This is something that I have invented by taking notes about my priorities. I am not saying that make the relationship your life, but if you are Earth, then your relationships, work & health are all part of your solar system. You can’t survive without Sun, Moon supports us in the night time, while Jupiter deflects comets and asteroids coming our way.
CUP IN THE SINK - A man recently wrote an article explaining how he got divorced for putting the cup in the sink. When you read it, you immediately think that’s ridiculous, but allow me to explain. Every day the man used to come home from work, the wife used to prepare meals for him, and after finishing his coffee, he would always put the cup in the sink. After repeatedly being told by his wife, to not do that, he would do this everyday.
One day they ended up in a huge fight, where the man said that he works so hard everyday to put food on the table and his wife can’t do this simple task of removing the cup from the sink and that she is duty-bound, lead to the divorce. It was not about just a small task of not putting the cup in the sink, but it was about that little disrespect that the man showed everyday by not listening to his wife, requesting for something that really irritates her.
This is an interesting way of seeing that little things matter so much and carry inherent meaning to them.
ACCEPTANCE- Every human being in this life is bound to commit mistakes. The levels of seriousness might be different depending on different perspectives, but you will always commit mistakes, which would make the other person happy. In order to love someone truly you have to expect the good and the bad. This doesn’t mean you start accepting toxic behaviour, hampering your mental and physical health, but from time to time you have to accept that they would not behave the way ‘YOU’ want them to.
No matter how many mistakes you do, ‘Willingness to change and accept’, is the greatest skill which is required to solve and move on from things.
ANGUISH & PAIN- People often say that cheating is the ultimate breach of trust, but there are other things which are on the same level. It included disparaging or bad-mouthing your partner in public or behind their back. Secondly, thinking that you can control your partner. And the most annoying yet commonly found is a constant need to prove the other person. Sometimes, you just need to keep your ego aside and absorb things in a better fashion.
BIDS- Throughout the day you and your partner make requests for connections, which are called BIDS. For eg, if you tell your partner to look at the pink sky, what they are actually doing is requesting a response as a bid for emotional connection and sharing the moment together. If you think about it, this is so deep and true. Most relationships don’t collapse because of one big fight, it should not. They fall apart because the partners have eroded the foundation of trust by consistently turning away from each other.
INTELLECTUAL STIMULATION- One of the keys to a quality partnership is to ‘STAY CURIOUS’ and keep each other intellectually stimulated. Tell your partner one new thing that you learned today. Have them teach you something new and try to experience something new together.
If you guys talk about the same thing everyday, no matter how smart, good-looking, loving or caring your partner will be you will get bored eventually as our minds and bodies adapt really fast to things that are repetitive. The most successful couples keep learning and growing side by side.
BEING MEAN- You would want to be petty at times and try to give the perfect comeback, but after reading interviews with numerous couples, everybody suggested to not be petty. No comeback is worth spoiling your relationship as you are flared at the moment.
NEGOTIATIONS OVER ARGUMENTS- When you both fight, you fight in a fixed pattern, you know how the other person will react to your statements. This can not always prevail as you have the right to be angry and slip up at times, but do try to negotiate a win-win situation, where both of you realise that it is us vs the problem and not each other.
Compromising is usually a way for both parties to be unhappy, but negotiating in a relationship really helps in the long term as 90% of your arguments would be by communicating wrongly, while still being on the same page.
COMMUNICATION- This is the number one way to a happy relationship if done correctly. You should not always assume the other person to know stuff that you will like or dislike, active communication helps both of you to refrain from doing something which would make the other person feel sad. You should keep interacting and not keep things inside at all, we have all experienced that this has not ended well, ever.
REPAIR- I love Naval Ravikant, and he says life is more about exploring than doing things. So if you feel that this relationship does not work out, move on to the next. While I partially do agree with that, but I also believe that people are unintentionally finding perfection, they want every single thing from one partner. Which I don’t think would be ever possible, please note, they should always have the same moral and ethical grounds that you have, but what I am talking about is expecting too much from one partner will kill the relationship.
Every couple in the world has ugly fights, fights which last long and sometimes break you, if it is not a problem on ethical grounds, you should always try to repair it first, if that does not work and things keep getting toxic, ABORT SERGEANT!
NO FILTER- Have a relationship in which you can talk to the other person about anything, without the fear of being judged. Please don’t expect them to resolve everything for you, but just share things with them to get their perspective on that, which could help you make better decisions.
ONLY YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY- This might sound repetitive but is extremely important. Only you can make yourself happy, others can contribute to it majorly or not, but true happiness comes from within. Don’t expect everything from a single person, be it your partner, your parents, or your friends. trust me they are trying to be the best version of themselves too, a little empathy and compassion would change the world for good.
MINI DAILY GESTURES >> GRAND GESTURES - Grand gestures do have a charm of their own, but it is the daily gestures that bring comfort and meaning to the relationship.
LOVE IS A SKILL- understand that love is not an emotion, but is a skill that is perfected by practising over time. The more you self-reflect, the better human being you will become.
Companionship, if not the most important is surely one of the most crucial aspects to live a healthier life. These principles can be applied to friendships as well. According to an 80-year study at Harvard, your relationships at 50 define your well-being at 80.
If you read through the entire thing, I am so grateful that you gave your invaluable time to me & I am hopeful that you learnt at least something from this. I’ll continue to deliver weekly Newsletters on how to live a curious life, which would ultimately make us, healthy, wealthy & wise. Until then, ‘Stay Curious’.
Knowledgeable 💫
Well done